I'm Ok Even When You're Not Ok

Put the responsibility for your own happiness where it belongs -- with you, says Richard Carlson. Unfortunately, one of the biggest relationship mistakes also happens to be one of the most tempting things to do if you are in a relationship: Making your partner responsible for your happiness and blaming him or her when you are not!

It's a little scary to listen to many of the most popular songs on the radio. So often, the message is: You make me happy; I'd be lost without you; you are my world, or other, similar types of messages which take away all the power and responsibility to make yourself happy and put it on someone else. Wow! If you think about it, that's an enormous amount of pressure to put on another person. It's like saying, I can't always be happy myself, but if you're going to be with me, you'd better make me happy!

On the surface, this concept seems rather obvious, but how many of us really do take full responsibility for our own happiness? How often do we say to ourselves, `Why can't my wife be different?' or `It makes me so mad when my husband acts that way', or `I'm stressed because my husband works too many hours'. When you examine these (and thousands of other) very common statements and thoughts, it becomes clear that they suggest, however subtly, that somehow, someone other than you is responsible for your happiness.

The thinking is like this: If only he (or she) were different, I'd be happy. They have to change. Not me, no way. It's them! What we've found is that if you believe that the answer to your unhappiness lies in someone else's hands (no matter how much you love them), you're in for a load of trouble. Even if they manage to accommodate you with occasional changes, you'll come to rely on these changes for your continued happiness. There will be only one possible result. Eventually, you'll be let down and will be discouraged. You'll be left with that helpless and dependent `It's his/her fault' feeling.

Don't get us wrong. We're not saying your partner doesn't play a role in your happiness, or that you're not the happiest when you are together or that you wouldn't or shouldn't be devastated if your partner left you by choice, or by circumstance. We certainly feel that way about each other as do all of the happy couples we know. We're also not suggesting that there are not dramatic examples where it's clear that one partner is imposing on the other's chances of being happy. What we are saying is that, ultimately, you and you alone are responsible for making yourself happy. When your life isn't working, you need to make changes or see things differently. You may have to make difficult choices, have painful or uncomfortable discussions, or compromise in some way. But you have to take responsibility for your own level of happiness. There isn't a relationship good enough to do it for you.

This is a very empowering insight for both you and your partner. In effect, you are making a statement to yourself that, while your relationship is absolutely a top priority and your love of your partner is immense, you have the power and the ability to make yourself happy.

This means that you are okay when things aren't going so well or when your partner proves to be human. Your happiness isn't entirely dependent on your partner's acting in a very specific, pre-determined way.

You are also making an important statement to your partner, taking a great deal of pressure off that person: It's okay for you to be human. You can make mistakes and you don't have to walk around on eggshells or pretend to be a certain way when you're near me. You don't have to worry that I'll freak out every time you disappoint me. I accept the fact that when I'm disappointed, the disappointment is coming from my own thoughts. I have preferences, but won't allow these preferences to ruin my life. You can have low moods and you even have my permission to be less than perfect.

I'm okay even when you're not okay, and I love you as unconditionally as I know how.

By taking responsibility for your own happiness, you open the door to a new type of relationship, one based on honesty, responsibility, courage and wisdom. If you take this road, you're in for a lifetime of nice surprises. You'll be amazed at how happier you'll be when you put the responsibility for your own happiness where it belongs - with you.

-My Life Teacher*

Take the whole Responsibility

We are responsible for what we are; and whatever we wish ourselves to be, we have the power to make ourselves. If what we are now has been the result of our own past actions, it certainly follows that whatever we wish to be in future can be produced by our present actions; so we have to know how to act.

We get only that for which we are fitted. Let us give up our pride and understand this, which never is misery undeserved. There never has been an evil for which I did not pave the way with my own hands. We ought to know that. Analyze yourselves and you will find that every blow you have received came to because you prepared yourselves for it. You did half and the external world did the other half; that is how the blow comes. That will sober us down. At the same time, from this very analysis will come a note o hope, and the of hope is: “I have no control of the external world, but that which is in me and nearer unto me, my own world is in my control. If the two together are required to make a failure, if the together are necessary to give me a blow, I will not contribute the one which is in my keeping; and how then can the blow come? If I get real control of myself, the blow will never come”.

Nothing makes us work so well at our best and highest as when all responsibility is thrown upon ourselves. I challenge every one of you. How will you behave if I put a little baby in your hands? Your whole life will be changed for the moment; whatever you may be, you must become selfless for the time being. You will give up all your criminal ideas as soon as responsibility is thrown upon you – you whole character will change. So if the whole responsibility is thrown upon our own shoulders, we shall be at our highest and best; when we have nobody to grope towards, no devil to lay our blame upon, no personal god to carry our burdens, when we are alone responsible, and then we shall rise to our highest and best. I am responsible for my fate, I am the bringer of good unto my self, and I am the bringer of evil.

This life is a hard fact; work your way through it boldly, though it may be adamantine; no matter, the soul is stronger. It lays no responsibility on little gods; for you are the makers of your own fortunes. You make yourselves suffer, you make good and evil, and it is you who put your hands before your eyes and say it is dark. Take your hands away and see the light; you are effulgent, you are perfect already, from the very beginning.

This is the only solution of the problem. Those that blame others- and, alas! The number of them is increasing everyday - are generally miserable with helpless brains; they have brought themselves to that pass through their own mistakes and blame others, but this does not alter their position. It does not serve them in any way. This attempt to throw the blame upon others only weakness them the more.
Therefore blame upon for your own faults, stand upon your own feet, and take the whole responsibility upon yourselves. Say, “This misery that I am suffering is of my own doing, and that very thing proves that it will have to be undone by me alone.” That which I created, I can demolish; that which is created by someone else I shall never be able to destroy. Therefore stand up, be bold and be strong. Take the whole responsibility on your own shoulders, and know that you are the creator of your own destiny. All the strength and succor you want is with in yourselves. Therefore make your own future. “Let the dead past bury its dead”. The infinite future is before you, and you must always remember that each word, thought, and deed, lays up a store for you and that as the bad thoughts and bad works are ready to spring upon you like tigers, so also there is the inspiring hope that the good thoughts and good deeds are ready with the power of a hundred thousand angles to defend you always and forever.

Source:- “Personality Development” written by Swami Vivekanad Ji.